Lost Friend

We were the best of friends. I thought we’d stay that way forever. You were always there for me and I for you. Then something happened. You started slipping away. Growing distant, you left me behind. Confused, sad, angry, and hurt, I moved on.

Twenty years pass. You reach out, wanting to meet. You act like the breach never happened. You were ready to pick up where we left off.

Not so easy for me.

I had questions. Why the fracture? You had no answers, evading my queries with vague excuses. My defenses are up.

I remain uncertain about repairing this friendship. I’m not sure I can. Anxiety and depression makes trusting people hard. How can I rely on someone who has hurt me once before?

Advertisements

Hurting

Why is this so hard

Memories can’t hurt me

Fear pain anger

Overwhelm, paralyze

Drained

Can’t breath

Don’t feel safe

Eating away inside

Until I’m hollow

How do I make it stop

Lingering

held his hand stroked his hair as he lay dying it was quiet peaceful except the smell of death washed my hands the smell lingers in my nose my skin my hair won’t go away smell remains taking me back to the last moments nothing works my mind returning even now a year later can sometimes still smell it is it real imagined will it ever go away

Trying

Thoughts so tangled twisted

Creating conflict where there is none

Defensive

Desperate to feel better

I lash out

Wanting others to know how I hurt

Unable to find the words

You did nothing wrong

I’m so sorry

It’s Time

Breath coming in gasps

Hands clenched

Body shaking

Heart pounding

Frozen

Feeling exposed, raw

Should just go home

Can’t do this

Can’t live like this

Must do this

Open the door to the therapist’s office

Words

Words say nothing

Deeds speak volumes

Which to believe

What to trust

Truth and lies

Abruptly mixing

Look the same

Words lie

Actions speak the truth

I Forgot

I really needed to talk to you. You would know what to do, what to say. The problem was one I knew you could solve. You would listen patiently and then have all the answers. Then I remembered. You were gone. You had slipped away quietly while mom and I stood vigil. For one blissful moment you were alive again, if only in my mind. Grief, sudden and swift, tore through me anew. I will get used to you being gone, but I will never get used to losing you.

My Fault

Always my fault

You should have known better

He can’t help himself

That’s the way he is

Always my fault

Not a big deal

You’re overreacting

Stop being so sensitive

Always my fault

You need to let it go

He’s different now

Just move on

Always my fault